What is your JOY?

I took this little blurb from my journal tonight. Now, if you are reading this, know that this is my feeble attempt at being real. It’s hard sometimes, isn’t it?! Maybe no one will read this post. If not, that’s ok. I didn’t write it for you (no offense). I wrote it for me. And for anyone who struggles with choosing JOY…

Tonight I led worship for a high school ministry in Hesperia. Usually I can hardly contain myself when I know I’m gonna get to sing to God with high school students. It is one of my most favorite things to do.
But tonight my mind was far from the set list I chose. It was far from the lyrics I knew I would be singing, and far from the One for whom we sing for. I have been so distracted lately, and tonight as we entered in to a time of worship through song, I could hardly keep focused. In fact, throughout the first song and most of the second I was thinking about the stupidest things… like how tired my voice sounded, how I needed more vocals in my monitor, how brassy my guitar sounded (for those of you who know nothing or could care less about the technicalities of music, count yourselves as blessed not to have these things going through your mind as you are trying to worship). It wasn’t until I was singing the chorus of the second song for the THIRD time that I FINALLY stopped to think about what I was singing.

Your grace is enough
Your grace is enough
Your grace is enough for me.

I once heard someone say that worship isn’t to please us, it’s to please Jesus. Worship is to Jesus, it’s for Jesus, and it’s about Jesus.

Thank you, God, that your grace is more than enough for me. Because sometimes I need a whole lot of it just to get through the day. Instead of choosing joy, I choose to set my mind on things that are not of you. Things that discourage me, tell me I’ll never be good enough, or pretty enough, or smart enough. I buy into the lie that says I have to look a certain way, or have a certain body fat percentage to really be wanted. Then instead of fighting those things with the word of God, or processing with a friend who will speak truth to me, I try to push it out of my mind… (which is not something I recommend).

Learning to walk in truth is hard. Being real about it is even harder. Thanks, God, for taking us just as we are. Because “just as I am” sure isn’t pretty these days.

Sorry, long blog AND no pics. I'll do better next time.